My Story, My Motivation, My Life

I turn 40 in 5 months and 11 days. This does not excite me.

I weighed 518 lbs as of June 28th. This does not excite me.

I desperately want to change my life and regain my health. My blood pressure is out of control (without medication), I have recently been diagnosed with diabetes (though no insulin) and as recently as a year ago I was clean. I have struggled to breathe and my testosterone is so low that I am one point away from developing a uterus. I was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and I am on numerous medications to control all of this. While I am grateful for medical intervnetion I want to be done with all of it.

I have a two year old daughter who is the light and joy of my life, she makes me very happy. a couple of months ago we were watching one of those dancing competition shows and she was grooving to the music and she came up to me and took my hand and said, "Dance with me Daddy." She turned immediately and started walking towards the middle of the room only to get pulled up short when I didn't immediately follow. She trned again and said, "Please Daddy?"

What could I do, I got up and danced.... for about 30-45 seconds, whereupon I was too tired to continue and I sat back down. That was a dark moment for me, and not the only one since my daughter was born. There have been several moments where reality has slapped me pretty hard with how fat and sick I really am. I feel too old to have a young daughter. She doesn't deserve this. Right now, I am her buddy, her hero and her friend, but someday, not very far off, she will become aware that her Daddy isn't like other daddies. Honestly I just don't think I can handle seeing the look of embarrassment on her sweet face when she does. I can feel that timer ticking down.

How does this happen to a person? I am minded of Tolstoy's quote (badly paraphrased here) skinny people are all alike, but every fat person got fat in their own way. I was always "big" but I always felt mobile and so I never worried that much about it. I hiked and ran and swam with my friends growing up. Most of my favorite activities were outdoors and active through my teenage years.

I recall at about sixteen, seeing a man at the potato bar in my father's restaurant who was so large that he blocked the entire five foot width of the bar. It comforted me to know that although I was "big" I wasn't side-show "big" and I assured myself I certainly never would be. I went on my mission weighing 275 lbs. (I lost 50 lbs. during the 6 weeks before I left) came home at about 325 and remained there for about 6 more years.

Then the company I worked for went bankrupt and I had trouble finding a job in the computer industry so I became a truck driver instead. For two years we drove long haul and I put on a LOT of weight. When I came home I could no longer weigh myself on a standard scale and I could no longer walk to the mailbox without considerable effort. My wife started working for 1-800 contacts and they had a gym for emplolyees and their families. My wife started going regularly and tried to get me to go as well. eventually I did which is when I learned that I had hit 450 lbs. We both did well for a while. Irene anded up running a marathon and I lost 40 lbs or so. ventually Irene left and i started putting it back on. over the course of the next several years my weight has been all over the map. I have lost 75 lbs. 80 lbs and 150 lbs in stretches at various points over the last 8 years. My weight has been as high as 588 lbs and as low as 425.

I no longer care about weighing anything in particular, but I do want to be the kind of father that my daughter deserves to have. I want to see her grow up and I hope to play with her children someday. I want my health back. I want to be able to go to the store without exertion. I want to take walks with my family. I literally drive the car to church and it is a block away. I want that to stop.

This blog for me is a way of making myself accountable. Should you be reading this and you are also considering a change, I urge you not to wait as long as I did. I plan to talk in future posts about what I am doing and my progress. You will also find posts by Geoff. We have been friends since, well since a long time ago. He shopuld put up some pretty entertaining stuff, but please don't tell him I said so. It gives him a big head and he is trying to reduce his size after all...