Updated : Anatomy of Weight Loss

Update:
Some of the comments from people who read this made me think perhaps they viewed this as an actual record of recent events. For the record this is a synthesis of many experiences over many years.

Day 1 - 12:00 AM to 9 PM
Day one of a diet is always pretty good for me. I am high on serotonin because I have made a GOOD decision, a COMMITMENT to my future. This time will be different than all of the other times, this time i will lose all of the weight and be exactly who I have always wanted to be!

Day 1 - 9:01 PM to Bedtime
Panic sets in, I'm hungry and out of calories and start looking around for something to fill the void that I won't feel guilty about. AHA!! A cucumber, that's only 50 calories, nobody ever got fat eating these right? Right?

Off to bed, feeling guilty over a stupid cucumber and still hungry, and also cucumbers taste stupid.


Day 2
The alarm goes off, and after a full night's rest I am feeling a little better, plus I have breakfast to look forward to.

Excitedly I step onto the scale and discover that, WOW! Yesterday really paid off several pounds down and I AM A CHAMPION! I can do this, I can really do it this time.

I am prepared with a lunch to take to work, all the little veggies cut up and portioned into zip-loc bags. I spend the day at my desk, proud of my new path and happily crunching on raw healthy cruciferous green (and some orange) vegetables.

The day goes off without a hitch, YAY for me!

Day 3 - 7

The week is a blur, and I am on top of the world. Every visit with the scale puts me a pound or more closer to my goal. This is easy I say to my wife. I'm actually loving the taste of raw vegetables I tell my friends. They smile, minds having moved on to other things. They have heard this all before.

I can see the vagueness in their eyes as they politley listen but it only reinforces my resolve. I WILL DO THIS I proclaim to myself in the mirror. I will just prove to them that this time is different.

My energy levels are up, I am already walking more easily.I'm not positive, but is my belt a little loose? Maybe I better take that in a notch. ouch, that's a little tight still, but I will keep it that way I might as well get used to being one notch smaller.

Day 8
I step on the scale looking forward to see just how big today's weight loss will be. Will it be three pounds like on Wednesday when you were so busy you ended up skipping lunch? Or like thursday when you only lost a half pound?

The scale creaks, the numbers flash and my brow furrows as i think, "Well that's not right."

Stepping off, then back on again I see the same number staring back at me. I do the quick calculations in my head, carry the seven and I get.... zero?!??

I manage to quickly calm myself down and soothe myself with the thought that water weight has a major effect sometimes and I did have a pretty salty meal last night.

Tomorrow will be better!

Day 9
This is not better, I gained a pound?? How is this possible? I carefully tracked every bite into my mouth. I find myself yearning ofr the good old days when I was just "not losing". this is much worse.

As I eat my lunchtime snack, my jaws ache. lousy raw veggies are hard to chew, my whole mouth is tired. Some jerk in the next cube brought his wife's leftover lasagna. I know his wife is the worst cook in the world since we do have occasional pot lucks at work, but still.... lasagna. you can't ruin cheese can you?

I briefly consider stealing a bit while he is in the bathroom, I am ashamed.

Forget it, I use my willpower to slog through the day and finally drop into bed feeling hopeless.

Day 10
Ok! This is better, a half pound. It isn't much, but it's something. I still weigh more than I did three days ago, but that's cool. I just know this is the resumption of the "normal" downward trend my weight is taking.

Day 11 - 15
I don't really want to talk about it.I hate you I hate everybody with their stupid fast food and their stupid, happy faces. Why are you reading this anyway, I never liked you in the first place. Stupid diet, stupid blog, stupid, stupid heads. My mind is not as clear as it felt on day 3.

Day 16
I draw myself to my feet from the bed and I stand tall. Today marks the beginning of a new phase n my weight loss. I will rededicate myself. I will prevail because, honestly, if that jackass jared can succedd at this surely I can too. I mean have you SEEN Richard Simmons?? I am stronger than those people and I will PROVE IT!

Day 17
1 Pound, BOOOYAH! Ok, this is good, I now weigh less than I have at any point during this diet. I am back on track, and I am going to kill this. Richard Simmons can eat my shorts! Hang on, come to think of it, I don't want Richard Simmons anywhere near my shorts.

Day 18-23
Three more pounds, it's not a lot but I'll take it.We have our anniversary this weekend and i am going to make it a free day from my diet.Why not? I've earned it and I can totally handle it.

Day 24
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Day 25

I step on the scales to see the damage and what the holy $#@!!&*$!?? How could I possibly have gained TWELVE POUNDS?!???!

I sit down feeling a little faint and furiously review everything I put into my body.

Conclusion:The scale is a liar.

If I retained every ounce of fluid and food I consumed yesterday it still wouldn't add up to 12 pounds. I won't load you up with details, but i assure you things came out of my body.

New Conclusion:Einstein was wrong! And/or this has something to do with cold fusion. Whatever it is physics as I understood it (poorly to be clear) has been turned entirely on it's head.

I have been withholding food from myself, dealt with hunger, faintness and other cruelties for almost a month and it is effectively day 4 of the diet again. I've backtracked three full weeks from ONE. SINGLE. FREE. DAY.

Life has no meaning.

Day 26

I lost a half pound, but who cares?

Day 27
I was flat again. Also, I cheated it wasn't much but it certainly wasn't on the diet. Whatever.

Day 28 - 30

Hey have you tried that new all-you-can-eat buffet over on 13th street? They are amazing! I haven't eaten so much in my life. Diet? No, I'm sure I don't know what you mean...