Life Is Indeed Beautiful!

Geoff's post last evening was a reminder to me of how challenging life can become. Of course we all have ups and downs but there are stretches that give us painful insight into the trials of Job.

I have had several stressful weeks in a row, which does not make this effort (weight loss) any easier. My weight loss has already stalled despite my best efforts. On paper, I should be losing weight, but I am not and that is disheartening.

Today I got to have some time alone with my incredibly sweet daughter. Unbeknownst to me my lovely bride had recently taught her to sing, "We Are a Happy Family."

She sang it to me, then I tried to sing with her. I was pretty sure she was singing the wrong words, but I couldn't recall the right ones. We agreed Mommy would teach us both when we picked her up. When we did, Mommy gave us the following:

I love Daddy, he loves me,
He loves mommy yessiree!
She loves us and so you see.
We are a happy family.

I started singing variations on the song:

I love Sally, she loves me.
She loves Mommy yessiree!
She loves us and so you see.
We are a happy family.

Eventually this devolved to:

I love Sally, yes I do.
I love her even when she smells like poo.
She loves me and mommy too.
We are a happy family!

The silliness continued with Sally laughing and shouting out, "Sally loves Daddy, Sally loves Daddy!" Which is what she wanted me to sing. I was laughing, Sally was giggling and Mommy had a big broad smile on her sweet face. I have to tell you, I didn't feel sorry for myself in those moments, not one little bit.

Happiness is not a gift granted unto us, but it is something we each have to seek and find for ourselves. It can be shared, and while it can be stolen, the theft destroys it for everyone.

I am happy, my daughter is happy, my family is happy, Life is indeed beautiful.

Life just keeps on going...

It was April 2011.
I was sitting in my Dietitians office.  
I had just weighed in at my lowest weight in years and was down 208lbs in 6 months.
(For those keeping score at home it was aprox. 7.34 lbs a week for 28 weeks or just over 1 pound a day... It doesn't seem like that much when you break it down does it?) 

*28 weeks earlier in October of 2010. I was the biggest I had ever been. As well as dependent on pain meds (Vicodin) to get through the day and just unhealthy in every way imaginable.

(Jump back to mid April 2011...) I'm sitting in my Doctors office at Red Mountain Weightloss clinic in Scottsdale.  I had just gotten the good news about my current weight.  Things are going great....

Then my phone rings.

I would not normally take a call during a Dr's appointment but it was from a family member and something that I can't explain told me to answer the phone.

On the other end of the phone was a voice I was all to familiar with. A voice I had heard my entire life and would've or could've recognized anywhere.  But this time the voice that I knew so well, was different. It was heavy, it was scared, it was not good news...

The voice told me that someone I loved. Whom I had known my entire life.  Was in trouble.  This person was not only family but one of my best friends.  They were not hurt or dying.  They were however, sick, and had been for a long time.  The problem is no one around this person, including myself, had an idea until it was too late.  

The voice on the other end of the phone told me that my loved one had been arrested.  That the charges were serious and I was asked if I could drop what I was doing and drive several hours away to help.

It was not a question of would I do it but how could I do it.  I had a job, wife, three kids and I was pretty heavily invested in my own battle to lose weight and regain my health.  My days were regimented and full...

But yet, it never really was a question.  
I had to go.

I got off the phone. Excused myself from the Doctor's office and called my wife as I began to head for the freeway, south out of town.

For all intents and purposes I never really ever returned back to that Doctors office or to all the things I had been doing that had helped me find so much incredible success in a relatively short amount of time.

This Blog is about whatever we want it to be about.  If I felt comfortable I would surly have no reservations about going in depth on how things played out for me and my loved one over the course of the next year.

But I'm not ready for that yet.
You see... This person is alive.
But I can't see him.  
I can't talk to him.
I can't Hug him. 
I can't thank him or tell him that I love him.

I can't share my life with him and I miss him everyday.

I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop the fact that some day, anyday I will get a call and have to be told he has died.  Without me being able to do any of those things one last time.

But here is the harsh reality...
I was out of town for almost 3 weeks.
I was staying at someone else's home. 
Away from my food. My personal trainer. My routine. 
Blah Blah Blah...  

I gained back almost 20lbs in that 21 days.
I stopped getting up at 4:40am.
I stopped preparing my meals the day before.
I stopped making "getting healthy" my priority because I was scared, angry and hurt.

I never really got back on track when I returned home.
I have gained back over half of that 208lbs I lost 2.5 years ago.

And guess what... That didn't fix anything.
It didn't change the harsh realities of life.
It didn't bring anyone back.
It didn't stop my inevitable Divorce.
It didn't stop job layoffs...

Life is not going to stop being a constant struggle because you decide you need everything to be "calm" and "Still" while you concentrate on being healthy.

So I guess what I'm saying is... 
Life is going to be unpredictable and hard whether you are Fat or Skinny.

But then again what do I know?
I clearly do not have very many or really any of the answers...

Don't Get Stuck in a Rut OR When It Ain't Working, Try Something Different.

So I am sick of bouncing around and making no progress on my weight loss. it has been a week since I lost one additional pound and two weeks since I lost anything significant. I can't technically say I am flatlined because the line is looking like an heart monitor.

My niece Mary decided she wanted to lose 35 pounds and she has plucked away at it 1-2 pounds a week over several weeks and as of our last conversation had lost 34 pounds. Kudos, Mary; you are awesome!

I had decided from the get go to change my plan whenever i stalled for more than two weeks on whatever I was doing. The idea is to change things up without giving up and so i switch like an unfaithful husband to the latest thing to pass my gaze.

So what is Mary's plan? I believe it falls under the category of intermittent fasting; light breakfast, normal (not outrageous) lunch, late in the day and no dinner. I can see that several of you have already opened your mouths to explain that, "No Zach, you've got it all wrong! You have to eat several small meals to keep your metabolism going."

Yeah, I've heard that, but I will just refer you to this study, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2347114/No-micro-meals-New-study-says-eating-meals-day--opposed-small-meals--yields-weight-loss.html. Coupled with longevity research involving CRON (Calorie Restriction with Optimum Nutrition) i think it i safe to say that there are no severe risks to the plan. I figure that my worst case scenario is that I stay flat/or gain weight. What I consider my primary operating principle is that I don't quit.

Everybody has lost some weight or knows somebody who lost weight using plan "X". My personal theory is that a combination of  adherence (lifestyle suitability) + commitment equals success. I struggle with commitment whenever the scale stops being interesting. Early on it's a Jackie Chan movie and a couple of weeks in I am watching The Straight Story.

If weight loss were easy we'd all be skinny right?

I feel like I am pushing a car with no tires up a hill...

Help.

Seriously... Help is what I need.  

But NOT necessarily from you, the person reading this.  

Or from the handful of friends that I got in my Divorce.  

(Mostly because they will not read my Blog, probably ever, they get enough of the analog me to ever entertain the digital version.)

You see.  

I am sort of an extremist. 

An "All or Nothing" personality type...
When I set my mind to things, I go all out and overachieve.

But when I'm not in full commitment mode...

It's like dragging an 80lbs bag of sand through waist high mud.

***Remind me sometime I will tell you about the Radio Contest my wife entered me into that lead to me losing almost 210lbs in less than a year.  That was in 2011.  It's a long story.  So sorry I'm not getting into it tonight. *** However, less than a year and half later me and that same wife separated and I began to "Stress Eat" for lack of a better term and I put almost half of it back on... Like I said it's a long story.***

Anyway, I have truly tried to apply myself to getting healthy this month... And I have.
I was able to stop drinking PEPSI.
(for the 1,258th time in my life)

As well as get myself thinking about what I was buying, preparing and putting in my body.

I have not only stopped slowly gaining weight but I have lost weight. I am sleeping better and I feel better throughout the day.

But the thought of a diet overwhelms me. The planning and preparing. The Do's and Don'ts...

There are so many other things on my mind. I just avoid eating rather than deal with it.  Which leads to going too long without food which is not only bad for your metabolism but will cause you to make bad choices with what and where you eat...

Man, I sound whiny... You wanna know why?  because it's 8pm and I haven't eaten a thing since I had a salad at "Wendy's" today for lunch.  I'm getting that slight hunger headache and everything is annoying me.

What do you do when you don't want to do what you need to do and not doing it isn't really an option but you continue to avoid doing everything that needs to be done?  

Ugh...

Help.

Rough Week

So my weight loss has stalled since last Friday. Up and down and currently a few pounds up. I hate this part, the part where you are doing everything you are supposed to and the weight is not coming off. I am confident it isn't as bad as all of that, I am retaining a lot of water. Hopefully next week I will have better news. In the meantime I am going to stick to the plan.

I hate to even post something that is such a downer, but I am really feeling tapped today. If you missed it, I wrote a short story that I think is worth a read, about when Nigel met Agnes. Check it out!

Always Prepared

Technically it is Geoff's day to post and I hope I am not treading on his toes (ouch), but I owe you two posts and I hoped this would do it.

Wednesday was Pioneer Day locally and we had a frightening moment. One of the aerials blew out the side of the box and instead of going up went sideways and nailed Irene in her side. The shell then dropped into her lap and the secondary explosion (the blossom part) blew up in her lap.

She is fine, but she was traumatized and had some burns and abrasions, not to mention the huge bruise caused by the initial contact from the shell.

 Anyway, that was the first night I missed, and last night I was in the process of smoking 30 lbs. of pulled pork for the farewell of my cousin Julie's son and working on this short story for my new writing group. I'm never going to get the grease stains out of my keyboard.

I hope you like it, feel free to leave a comment if you are so inclined.

.........

Always Prepared

The park bench bowed beneath Nigel’s massive frame. Park goers nearby turned as the resin slats argued loudly with metal screws over who would give way. The screws won this time, but something about their cry indicated the spat was far from over.

Nigel enjoyed this park bench for many reasons, but only one that really mattered. If you asked him, he might tell you it was because of the shade provided by the spreading branches of an elderly oak tree, a truly majestic specimen and anyone could see that the oak tree did indeed provide a delightfully shaded spot when the weather was warm in the summer.

Ask him in winter and he might tell you that the brick wall along the bench’s back provided shelter from the blustery cold of a winter wind and that would be true as well. 

He could tell you, should you be interested, that the building across from the park was Weatherby’s best example of Egyptian Revival architecture. This was closer to the truth that Nigel never told anyone.

There were many such reasons Nigel had archived for why this particular bench was supremely suited for him. In truth, nobody had ever asked, although Nigel was prepared for just about anything. He had actually used the line about Egyptian Revival architecture once, though he had to manufacture a situation in which he could casually mention it. He felt it made him sound educated.

The hidden truth was something that Nigel only whispered, even in his own mind lest it leak out, was that this particular park bench gave him a perfect view of the Sinclair Insurance Agency. And through the perfectly clear glass (the cleaner came every Tuesday afternoon, precisely at 1:05 pm unless he’d eaten at the café by the highway, in which case it was 1:13 pm) was a desk, and at that desk sat Agnes Whipple.

She pronounced it in the French style, Ah-nyay. One might think she was pretentious or came from that sort of family, though neither was the case. In truth, Agnes was named for her paternal grandmother Agnes Bellecouer whom she had never met.

Nigel knew this as he knew so many things. He listened. He had in fact been a frequent visitor to the agency, always dropping off documents in person, rather than simply emailing them. He had pored over his policy in order to find questions to ask his slightly annoyed agent. Agnes was never annoyed to see him and he always prepared something interesting to share with her and something funny, when he could manage. She laughed often enough that he suspected it was due more to her generous nature than his sense of humor.

Nigel could talk, and did, when the situation called for conversation, or speaking, but he didn't like to speak unless he was prepared. Even the simplest chat was something Nigel rehearsed in his mind over and over before speaking.

"Yes, I would like fries with that." or, "Yes, I would like fries with that." or perhaps, "YES! I would like fries with that." was one such rehearsal that led to the grease spotted bag sitting next to him on the bench.

The white bag with bright yellow and red accents was hardly noticeable against the vast girth of Nigel's white, button-down, collared shirt and newly acquired ketchup and mustard stains.

Nigel reached into the bag and drew out one of the last cold and greasy potato bits, munching on it quietly as he watched Agnes read, while eating her own lunch at her desk.

Many times Nigel rehearsed a conversation for a situation that he had never encountered and likely never would. Answers to slights never offered, and verbal jabs at targets never met were a recurring theme in the constant patter of his mind.

"Perhaps I am fat, but with a schnozz like that it's a wonder you can see well enough around it to notice!" he might offer to a rude somebody with a large sneezer, or, "Come on Jake, put the gun down, everybody wants to walk out of here alive, let's find a way to work this out." he might offer to an armed man name Jake.

Nigel had rehearsed lines for virtually every conceivable situation, should it arise, and at times he wondered what he might do if he encountered a situation for which he hadn’t prepared.

 He had learned early on in his development that he was unsuited for impromptu speaking. In the 3rd grade he had run for the class treasurer, drawn by the part of the word that said treasure (he was reading The Gold Bug at the time) and the fact that nobody else was running for the office. He did not read the instructions for candidates thoroughly and missed the part that read, “… every candidate is required to give a speech...”

"But... but - nobody else is running!" he stammered out to his teacher as she led him up to the front of the auditorium.

"Didn't you read the rules for entering your name Nigel? Everyone is required to give a speech, you only have to talk for three minutes." she said calmly.

He didn't last much more than three seconds, "Vote for me....." he blurted out, "I'll do my best." he finished weakly, staring into the sea of faces. Dark, liquid fear began filling him up and when it reached his outer extremities he fled. All he remembered was the bright burst of sunshine as slammed against the crash doors at the side of the large room. That, and the laughter that buoyed him to a speed he had likely never seen before or since outside of a mechanical transport.

Sadly, the bright spot of the day was that though he was the only candidate he managed to lose, and so was able to fade into ignominious anonymity.

Now Nigel prepared for every word he uttered.

Lost in the memory of that day and working on the masterful speech he would deliver should he ever again run for class treasurer, he did not notice when Agnes left her seat. He might have noticed her exiting the building, passing between the scarab lined mini-obelisks he had commented on exactly once before, but he was reaching the crescendo of his triumphant, though silent speech.

His eyes regained their focus as the whistles and thunderous applause were fading in his manufactured memory. Movement caught his eye and he saw her coming across the grass directly towards him.

He couldn't even conjure her name. His mind was filled with the vision of her auburn hair lit afire by the bright afternoon sun. Her forest green dress with a pointed collar, gathered waist and tiny black polka dots was open to display just the barest hint of cleavage. A splash of light freckles decorated the both the bridge of her nose and décolletage. The black embroidered hem of it swirled in curlicues around her knees and occasionally kicked up enough for him to see a flash of pale skin above the knee. Nigel saw the grass part way for the pointed toe of her slingback heels and could think of nothing else, the details of every movement flooding his senses.

That same dark liquid fear began to swirl inside his core, but the time to run had passed as she covered the last fifteen yards in fifteen sharp strides.

"Hello, Nigel!" she offered brightly and with a wide smile that creased the corners of her seaglass eyes.

She waited, standing casually, but for what, Nigel could not imagine. OH! Him, it was him she was waiting for, "H-hi." he stuttered out.

"Would you mind if I sat with you?" she asked.

Nigel simply stared for a moment before again realizing that she was, in fact, speaking to him.

"Right... uhh, yes. That would be fine." he said

Agnes waited, still with a smile on her face.

Nigel jerked a little, as he realized there was not space for her to sit, and he snatched the bag containing the remains of his lunch wadding it quickly and sliding left while stuffing it under his generously proportioned bum.

Agnes stepped up, spun gracefully into a prim seated position as though she had been practicing to sit on a bench just such as this. She did not turn to look at Nigel, but just sat perched on the bench, her body leaning forward with her weight on her hands and looked out at the park.

Nigel turned his head to watch her as she sat down and jumped a little when he realized he was still staring at her profile, then quickly turning to face forward as she had.

After several moments she took a deep breath and leaned back against the bench, folding her arms beneath her breasts. She asked, "Do you know I have worked at Sinclair's for almost five years now, and I have eaten my lunch every day at my desk?"

"Really?" said Nigel honestly, because, though he knew she had been eating there for at least the last year, had no personal knowledge of the time previous to that.

"It's true." she said, "And then I looked up today and saw you sitting here, just enjoying the summer and the park and... You know come to think of it I think I saw you here a few weeks ago too. Do you come here often?" she asked turning to look at his profile.

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face, but Nigel feared wiping it away would only draw attention to it. His heart was beating erratically and forcefully, loud enough from him to wonder if she could hear it. He nearly jerked again as he realized he hadn't answered yet and he was still fighting down the initial adrenaline surge her arrival had precipitated.

"Yes." he offered weakly, and then quickly followed that with, "Sometimes, I mean."

"Well I can see why, this is a very nice park, I look out at it sometimes from my desk and wish I was here instead of there, do you know what I mean?" He feared, he couldn't bring enough air through his vocal chords to make sound so he just nodded weakly.

"It's funny" she said thoughtfully, "I mightn't have even noticed you if I hadn't finished my book before my lunch break was over and didn't have another one to start. I usually do that, I'm sort of a chain reader. I finish one book and put it down with one hand while picking up my next book with the other. Do you like to read" she asked.

Nigel did indeed like to read and read quite a lot. In fact it was what first drew his attention to his insurance agent's secretary. His mind had recently been flooded with new input and he seemed unable to find the traces of cogent thought amidst the spaghetti like pile of vivid images. Every detail of her approach across the park was jangling in his mind for attention. The sense of her being so close set all of his nerves on edge. He could touch her be simply leaning too far to the right or lifting his elbow.

"Salt!" he exclaimed.

"Salt?" she asked.

The field of freckles peppered across the bridge of her nose wrinkled quizzically. When no new information appeared to be forthcoming she added, "Salt?"

He stared at her wondering if her eyes had always been that same luminescent shade of sea glass... "Salt!" he exclaimed again. "I mean, that is, Salt is the name of a book I read recently." he said faintly.

"Salt." she said, sounding both more and less perplexed.

"Yes" he said, "You see, it's about how salt shaped world history and...." he trailed off, ”It, uh" he started again, "Well, salt is a really important resource and wars were fought over it and innovations in science were rooted in finding more of it and... well it's more interesting than I am making it sound."

"Salt." she said again this time as though rolling a new flavor around in her mouth tasting it for the first time and wondering if she liked it." Ok, I get it. That does sound sort of interesting. I hadn't thought much about salt beyond putting it on cucumbers."

The mention of such healthy fare made Nigel uncomfortably aware of the greasy wad of paper and mashed, congealed potato beneath his ample thigh.

She faced forward then and said, "Mine was a novel. It was a mystery, but yours sounds much more ... Educational. I should read more books like that, but I admit, I'm addicted to novels." her voice rising at the end.

Nigel had in fact read Salt, but in truth he read a dozen novels for every non-fiction book he read, but he was afraid saying so would make him sound like he was just saying it for her. He said nothing instead.

The silence passed between them as they both stared forward at the best example of Egyptian Revival architecture Weatherby had to offer.

"You know" she said, "I bet if I were sitting at my desk you could see me from right here in the afternoon, when the sun wasn't reflecting off the windows."

He said nothing for a moment and then, "Probably."

Suddenly she stood up and spun to face him, "It was nice chatting with you. Maybe I'll see you here again sometime?" she said with her hands behind her back.

Nigel just nodded still not trusting his voice enough for long sentences, "Maybe."

Agnes brought her hand up in a slight wave and then headed back across the grass. He watched the hem of her skirt sway gracefully back and forth with the swing of her hips and memorized the bounce of her coppery hair.

Nigel sat for several moments processing the events of the previous ten minutes. The slats and screws sniped weakly at one another in relief as he heaved his corpulent form aloft.

As he wandered back to his day it occurred to him that he’d have to find a new place to eat his lunch and he began formulating what he might say if he had a chance to talk to a woman who might be interested in a fellow like him.

Guess Whose Back???

OK, OK, OK - I only missed one "posting" day so it hasn't even been a week yet you guys... Settle down.

Truth is I almost missed tonight too.
As I type this, it's almost 8pm.
I usually start 2 or 3 hours earlier on my "Blog" days. 
(I post on "odd" days for those with short attention spans)

So...
"Why did you almost miss tonight Geoffrey???"
Ah yes, Thank you, I do get distracted easily.
Especially by beautiful women.
Which was a flawless segway into why I almost missed tonight...
A Beautiful woman.

Yeah Buddy!

Let me take you back to O'Dark-Thirty (5:30am)
I had a long day today, which started earlier than usual.
There is a GREAT job that I have been pursuing since April.
For one reason after another this perfect job opportunity has died, or NEARLY died, then like Lazerus was resurrected from the dead. Over and over and over again.
It looks like it might really happen this time and I don't want to jinx it so this is as far as I go talking about it... For now.

Well at aprox. 4:30pm today. I got a text from the before mentioned "Beautiful Woman" and she offers to cook me dinner.
(The Perfect Job and now THIS?!?! What Is it my Birthday???)

- Do you know what's better than getting a text from a "Beautiful Woman"?
- Getting a text offering to cook you dinner.

-Do you know what's better than getting a text from a "BW" offering to make you dinner?
- Nothing... The answer IS NOTHING.
Nothing is better...
(What's that?  I sound like I'm bragging??? YEAH I AM!)

At 6pm tonight, I was eating an awesome dinner, made by an amazing person who does not give herself enough credit...

It was delicious and even if it had been subpar, which it was not, it still would've been greatly appreciated.
Food prepared by other people - ALWAYS - tastes better... 

Here's the deal though.  I noticed, I eat healthier with other people. 
There's something to be said for "eating because we are bored" as I sat with her and enjoyed her company. 
I ate till I was satisfied and then I didn't think twice about eating anymore.  
I was done.

I think I have discovered and invented my own "New Fad Diet"...
The "Beautiful Woman" Diet!

Step 1. Get a Beautiful Woman to cook for you.
Step 2. Lose weight. Or Don't. Who cares. You can die happy now - THIS IS THE DREAM!

We all have good days and bad days. 
Today was a good day, it was an OK diet day, but it was a GOOD Day!

If I had a "Hello Kitty" Diary... I would be scribbling in it so hard right now.

Alright I'm out!
GDPIII -

How'm I doin'??

Ok, so I should have posted this on Saturday (which I intend to make my official 'check-in day'. I would apologize but considering all of the great content I've posted so far I can't figure out how you can live with yourself when you aren't paying me. But I guess that's between you and your conscience.

I have been doing this now since the 1st of July, making Saturday, the 20th day. Henceforth I will round up to a full week, and Saturday will be called the end of my 'x' week. In this case the end of week three. I honestly believed when I started writing this entry that I had been doing this for five weeks. This effect can be attributed to the 'chrono-kinetic time-dilation' caused by the foods consumed while on a... Wellness Eating Plan, that's right I haven't forgotten W.E.P. completely.

It has been posited by some extraordinary minds (mine) that this chrono-kinetic time-dilation is specifically caused by the energy potential lost through a spatial distortion, which is simply a fancy way to describe where fat goes when you 'lose' it. This is more of an advanced W.Ea.P.O.N. concept (Wellness EAting Plan Obesity Neophyte) which will become clear as you advance in the program.

In any case I thought I'd been doing this for five weeks and was disappointed in my loss and pleased with my stick-to-it-iveness and now I am forced to confront the reality, that I am pleased with my progress and while not displeased with my stamina, less impressed by two weeks.

So here it is. I weighed at the doctor's office on June 28th at 528 lbs. That was with all of my weigh-in clothes on (which are nine pounds). What? You don't have weigh in clothes? Well get some. I know the specific weight to the ounce of every article of clothing I own. This makes weighing in public helpful since the last time I stripped to weigh-in I had to switch doctors... prudes!

Subtracting my weigh-in clothing I was 519 pounds. and as of Saturday I was 502 pounds. I would be more disappointed in this except for the fact that I gained TWELVE POUNDS IN ONE FREAKING DAY the week previous. You can see why I was not anxious then, to post my progress the previous Saturday.

What happened you may be asking? Well I had what we in the biz (as advanced W.EaP.O.N.s) a free day. Look I am not going to make excuses, but you should understand that it was both our anniversary AND Irene my delightful, beautfiul and brilliant bride graduated with her baccalaureate in Informatics. We agreed in advance not to count calories or worry about dieting so that we could celebrate in style. I do free days in the excessive style of Bill Clinton at a Miss USA pageant.

Long story short, I had to relose twelve pounds and actually lost thirteen for a total loss to date of 30 pounds. Don't like how I did the math? Alright, then accept a seventeen pound loss and thats ok too. The bottom line is, I have consistently lost weight, virtually every day so far and this pleases me.

I am feeling good, though admittedly a little sluggish at times. I have had no hunger since the 2nd day and my cravings subsided a couple of weeks ago.

As an example of some changes I have experienced, I have been adding sweetener to unsweetened almond milk since I started drinking it because it tasted bitter to at first and today I had the chance to try it unsweetened again and discovered I now find it pleasant and not at all bitter. This will not surprise any of you who have read much about low-carb diets or have experienced them, since the experience seems almost universal.

Here is to another successful week!

Diets and Flavor - Part 1

Diet Foods Taste Like Diet Foods
The first thing you notice when you begin a diet is that the food is decidedly less appealing than what you were eating. The reality seems to be that flavor only exists in the realm of foods you shouldn't eat. There is a reason that mom's all around the world after several thousand years of human history still have to tell their children to "Eat your vegetables!" When was the last time you had to urge your child to eat macaroni & cheese or pizza?

Heat Satisfies
Beyond simple flavors, their is a satisfaction component that seems to be lacking in the typical.... Let's call it a "Wellness Eating Plan" instead of diet since I am sick of the word diet. So there is a satisfaction component to your typical wellness eating plan (WEP) that always seems to be lacking. Sugar and fat are satisfying, they are satiating, they are GOOD! I have found one other element that satisfies in a similar way and that is heat. My love for heat virtually guarantees that it will eventually be determined to cause cancer in laboratory technicians, but until it does, I like it!
 
I have found a number of ways to add a little kick to my low carb edibles, most of which will be familiar to the average consumer. Franks > Lousiana > Crystal > Tapatio > Tabasco - Sriracha is as fun to eat as to say. There is a DELIGHTFUL chili garlic paste made by my favorite restaurant owner Lae Tran at Thai Delight which is so good that I desperately wish she would just sell it to me and by the case. She is pretty generous with it otherwise I'd go nuts. Chipotles whether whole in adobo sauce or pureed or added to one of the aforementioned hot sauces are very nice and smoky.
 
Sometimes though, you need something without the vinegary delivery in a hot sauce or the garlicky pungence of Sriracha or the rich smokiness of the chipotle. These sauces by and large are made to go with robust ingredients like meat and beans and starchy sides like rice. They don't mesh well with the one set of foods I should be eating in the largest portions, veggies and the greener the better.
 
Adding Heat to Veggies
In this I turn to the simple green and hot pepper. Jalapeno has an earthiness that pairs well with various foms of squash and greens and cucumbers and many, many more. this all makes sense since it belong in the same family. the problem then becomes how to deliver the jalapeno flavor on command and in the correct potency. For me that involves breaking it down to a powder.
 
I am going to share with you how I do this and I hope to make this a series that I add to over time. I have several neat tricks (I think) to add flavor where it is needed most.

Safety and a chance to laugh at other people's pain. - First I want you to understand that working with hot peppers always has an element of hazard so please keep that in mind. I recall with perfect burning clarity the first time I worked with jalapenos. I knew enough to not touch my eyes but I did not consider the effect of capsacin on the soft tissues of my body and used the restroom after cutting the peppers without thoroughly washing my hands FIRST (rest assured I did afterwards once the pain subsided enough for me to focus on more than just crying silent manly tears of distress).

What you have to understand, even if you have worked with fresh hot peppers is that there are additional dangers when dehydrating and working with the powder. It is safe enough so long as you take appropriate precautions and understand where the danger lies. Heed my warning and you will not have to suffer the same indignities I did.

Jalapeno Seasoning
Required Items
Jalapenos & possibly some poblanos or anaheim chiles
Onion Powder
Empty seasoning shaker
Rubber gloves
Food processor or blender
Dehydrator or oven

Active Time - 15 - 20 minutes

Total Time - Several hours

Process - To begin with you have to consider heat, since jalapenos are not manufactured and there is no quality control you are dealing with a wide range of potential heat. Jalapenos are rated 15000 approximately on the Scovile scale of heat. To put that in context the habanero is around 300-350k and the green bell pepper is zero.

Most of the heat in the pepper is in the ribs and the seeds. These components also lack flavor so I get rid of them, if you want to seriosuly amp up the heat then keep them or better yet, get rid of them and add a habanero or tow to the mix. I like to keep things mild enough so that my pansy... I mean delicate flower of a wife can also enjoy the powder provided she uses it sparingly.

In order to accomplish this, (safety note) put on your rubber gloves (preferably the snap tight kind that allows finger dexterity) and you will split and remove the seeds, stem and ribs at least and if you really want it milder you can add in some supporting players like the anaheim or poblano pepper which have about 1/5th of the heat. I would suggest a 1:2 - 1:1 ratio by mass of the milder peppers (e.g. 10 oz jalapenos to 5 oz milder pepper upwards of 10 oz to 10 oz)

Safety Note: Capsacin is not water soluble but is sugar soluble. So when working with large batches of peppers I always prep a simple syrup (1/2 c. water to 1/2 c. sugar) in case I need to wash some skin where the pepper juice has gone awry or to thoroughly remove the capsacin from my fingertips. It will continue to burn for quite a while on the skin if not removed.


Using a Dehydrator
I will assume if you have a dehydrator you will be able to translate the oven instructions so you guys are on your own.

Using an Oven
Lay your split peppers out on a cookie sheet skin side down, just make sure they aren't overlapping as it will slow down the process. Sprinkle some coarse salt over the peppers, this can be skipped if you don't intend to add salt to your finished seasoning, but if you are adding salt anyway it will help draw the water out of the peppers.

Place the trays into an oven and turn on to the lowest setting (no more than 200° F). At this stage it is a waiting game. My experience has been that peppers differ significantly in their water content so there is no fixed time here. You can safely leave them in for 3 - 4 hours to begin with before checking on them.

Remember you are drying, not cooking the peppers. After that first check use your best judgement as to what to set the timer for next. The peppers will shrink to a little less than half their size before they are done. You virtually can't go wrong since at this temp you can't really burn them, however they will start to lose flavor at a certain point just keep that in mind, it isn't fast, but if you leave them in several hours after they are dry then you will start to notice they have less jalapeno flavor, the heat never goes away (in my experience).

Dried and Ready
You will know they are ready for the next step when you bend them and they snap easily. any excess moisture will potentially cause mold and or clumping, though if you are mixing with salt it is not really a concern.

A SAFETY NOTE on dehydrated peppers and blenders: ALWAYS USE A LID OR YOU WILL REGRET IT. Also, NEVER REMOVE THE LID UNTIL THE POWDER HAS SETTLED.

Put the dried peppers into a blender or food processor. To verify the dryness I start with the largest pepper I can find and run it through once, if it doesn't powder easily that means you still have some drying to do.

Run your peppers through in batches, I wouldn't fill the jar more than half full or you'll have to remove the lid (SEE SAFTEY NOTE) to tamp it down.

Once you are done and the powder has completely settled remove the lid. Thie first time I did this I removed the lid while the powder was still swirling and got a lung full of it. I do not recommend you try this.

After you have processed all of your peppers you will be left with a fine gray green powder that looks a little like powdered sage. I generally taste at this point to determine the heat level and saltiness to determine how much salt to add. I am sure you can guess that you just stir the salt, onion powder and jalapeno powder together.

I try to keep the powder on the low wned of saltiness since I can always adjust my seasonings when I am actually using the finished product and you can't take any out once it has been added.

Stir carefully (don't want dust) and stir thoroughly, it's easy to not equally distribute the ingredients and get salty pockets or un-salty as it were. Also, because of the density and gravity of the different ingredients they will tend to separate over time. to ameliroate this, use a finer salt grain. Personally I am not bothered by shaking up my seasoning whenever I use it and I prefer kosher salt so that is what I use.

If you are less lazy than me, you could also take the salt you like and run it through the blender to break it down finer. Just remember that if you have one of the more powerful blender you can end up with a ridiculously fine powder that is difficult to shake onto foods and immediately turns goopy when it touches water (think onion powder, in fact I use granulated onion powder for this reason)

Final Notes
There are other flavors that you can mix into this that I have tried and like very much. 

• Mix in lemon pepper and it is soooo good on cucumbers or popcorn.
• Add tomato powder (same process)
• Add garlic
• If you have a smoker and you love yourself then make smoked salmon with the jalapeno seasoning. Your life will never be the same

Why "Diets" are unknowingly designed to fail...

The Power of Suggestion...

If you read the words: "DON'T think of a black cat" - What do you think of?

A Black Cat. 

Regardless of the fact that the instruction was to NOT think of the cat.
It doesn't matter. 

*Consciously* We read - "Don't think about a Black Cat".

*Subconsciously* "Black Cat" is what our Brain focuses on...

Suggestion on the subconscious level is tied more to specific; Words, Thoughts and Emotions.

Our Subconscious does not break down or comprehend wordy instructions or thought processes, the way we do with our conscious minds.

The subconscious works more efficiently.

If you think to yourself - ‘Don’t worry, Don’t worry‘ Don’t worry

You are actually programming yourself to WORRY!

Because ‘worry’ is being repeated to your subconscious.

This is a useful tip for Dieting.

If you spend a lot of time talking about your Diet. What you Can and Can't eat.
What you are really doing... Is thinking about and even talking about FOOD all day everyday.

If you count the days or talk everyday about how You didn't drink a PEPSI, eat cheese or sneak candy out of your spouses NOT SO SECRET hiding spot. 

What your doing is torturing yourself from the inside out and constantly thinking about the things that will eventually cause you to stumble and probably even fall.
Just Food for Thought...

On a Separate Note...

This Blog was started by my friend Zach.

I have gladly joined him in contributing to it. 

I will tend to talk about lots of random and entertaining things.

Things that may or may not be directly related too;

Dieting, Weight loss, Exercise and Eating Healthy.

If I'm being honest my heart is not in it right now.
Not Blogging, I am enjoying the Blogging part.

My heart is not into "dieting"...

For reasons I cannot fully put into words or am not ready to share with the world yet. 

I'm in the "Fake it until you Make it" phase of my changes. 

I know what the right actions are and I am making a lot of them.

Some days are more committed and focused than other days but everyday has been filled with some level of success.

So why Blog?

It's my hope through writing, sharing and being both open and honest. That I will eventually feel as committed and focused as I WANT to feel. 

As I have felt in the past. 

I mean, honestly what are My choices?

- Do nothing, which has caused me to backslide to where I am now.

OR

- Put my head down and go to work and get the most out of myself I can everyday and not judge myself or worry what others are thinking.

So I take it one day at a time.

Today, I choose put my head down and "Fake it 'til I Make it"...

Skinny People All look the Same to Me

I try to be kind to skinny people, honestly I do. Sometimes it is harder than others. I struggle to tell you apart with your rapid movements and identical wardrobes purchased from the Gap (or wherever skinny people shop). I went into a Gap once, the salesman told me he had just the thing for me and even in my size! Then he escorted me straight over to the socks.

I am not sizeist, not really. Why, some of my best friends are skinny! Sure sometimes I am walking down the street and I hear footsteps over my shoulder and feel the creeping sensation of impending doom. Will I get mugged? Then I turn around and see a fat person and feel my fear melt away into relief.

Is that wrong? I don't know, but just knowing the person following me is struggling to maintain enough energy just to reach their destination is enough to soothe my nerves.

Ok, ok I concede this is made up. Anyone who knows me, knows how very unlikely it is to find me 'walking' down a street. Maybe up to a McDonalds, or into a convenience store, but I digress.

The world is built for the skinny, it's what I like to call 'Skinny Privilege'. I can see the puzzled expression on your face so I will help you out. Skinny Privilege or SP for short is a description of the inherent skinniness of the dominant population. SP exhibits itself in hiring and promotions in the workplace and is especially ugly when it rears its head in P.E. in our public school system. The worst of it is that those of you with SP aren't even aware of it.

Watch your back, oh skinny ones! That isn't a threat it's just an acknowledgement that our ranks are growing and soon we'll be the majority in more than just pounds! I would tell you that you can't run or hide (as if  we were in a movie) but we both know that as a skinny person, you can do both. I wouldn't be surprised if a skinny person was hiding behind me right now (or maybe in front, if they were on all fours and close enough...).

Skinny people are pretty great to have as friends . They are a great source of entertainment, especially when they talk about their "diets"! I mean seriously you call ten pounds a diet? I call it a finger, and I have lost that much in half of a day! They are always on the move and can be tricked into getting things, "Hey Todd, would you like a refill for your soda? Yeah? Cool, will you get me one while you are up?"

Skinny people will always be with us, but remember we all start out chubby, as nature and God intended it to be. Only skinny people aren't satisfied with his generous gifts and squander what they have. No judgement, I'm sure you had your reasons, but when you are ready to make a change come and talk to me. I'm always willing to offer a ham up.

Cookie Tuesday...

One of my favorite people in this world and closest friends; Heather Anne.
Started a family tradition several years ago called; "Cookie Tuesdays".
Now for all I know she saw it on Oprah or stole the idea from a neighbor.  I don't really care.
Because she made it her own...
There were no Sugar Cookie Tuesdays or Oatmeal Raisin Tuesdays.  Nooooooo.
She would scour the internet and cookbooks for the most unique and creative type recipes she could find.  Some where out of this world delicious.  Others were strong on presentation and less successful in the taste department.  But one thing they always were, was special.  Because Heather put in the time and made it fun and everyone looked forward to it.  More Tuesdays than not I found myself over at their house (30 minutes away from my home) for one made up reason or another....
Just over 2 years ago my best friend (Rusty - Heather's husband) got a great job with a large software company and my two closest friends and their kids packed up and moved to Texas.
And thanks to the Magic of Instagram I have reason to believe that Cookie Tuesday is alive and well and as fun as it ever was.

I tell you THAT story to tell you THIS story...

Yesterday, Tuesday July 16th.  I was on day 8 or 9 of my New Paleo diet.  So far so good...
It was around 8pm and I was home alone.  When my doorbell rang.  By time I got to my door there was no one.  There was however, a plate of 8 fairly fresh from the oven chocolate chip cookies and a very nice handwritten note.
There was no name and I can say even as I write this I do not have any idea who they are from.  If the note was not addressed to: "GDPIII" I would have my doubts about whether they were left at my home by mistake or not.

I returned to my room and posted a Thank you on Facebook to whomever the generous Cookie donor was.  I also jokingly asked; "Just how many warm chocolate chip cookies would a Caveman on his Paleo diet, eat?"

The Answer is 4...  He (I) would (did) eat 4 of those warm chocolate chip cookies.

I ate them and other than wishing I had stopped at 3, I have no regrets.
Regardless of the fact it broke my new diet or undid any hard work or sacrifice I had put in for the day.
It was as much about how delicious they were as it was about escapism.

You see for a few minutes.  I didn't worry about finding a job.  How I was gonna be the best Father I could be to three amazing and impressionable children. I didn't worry about what I could or couldn't eat under my new restrictive eating habits.

Instead, I allowed those Cookies to remind me of happier, less stressful times with my best friends.  Doing something as frivolous and "unimportant" as "Cookie Tuesday".

We need Food to live.  Sometimes as much "Figuratively" as "Literally"... Taste and Smell are tied so strongly to our memories.  All of us hold certain simple memories very dear.
- Whether it was the smell of Heather's house on Cookie Tuesday's.
- The smell of charred meat and propane from the grill at Aunt Leslie's house during family get togethers.
- The smell of Tamales and Freshly squeezed Orange Juice at my childhood friend Tony's house on Christmas day as we wasted the day playing Super Tecmo Bowl on the Super Nintendo...

I will tell you that a little break from the diet.  Never killed anyone as long as you can keep it in check.  I will also tell you I was not about to weigh myself this morning after my personal "Cookie Tuesday"... It's doubtful that 4 cookies would pack on several pounds. But I'd rather put together a couple strong dieting days first before I climb back on the scales...

Updated : Anatomy of Weight Loss

Update:
Some of the comments from people who read this made me think perhaps they viewed this as an actual record of recent events. For the record this is a synthesis of many experiences over many years.

Day 1 - 12:00 AM to 9 PM
Day one of a diet is always pretty good for me. I am high on serotonin because I have made a GOOD decision, a COMMITMENT to my future. This time will be different than all of the other times, this time i will lose all of the weight and be exactly who I have always wanted to be!

Day 1 - 9:01 PM to Bedtime
Panic sets in, I'm hungry and out of calories and start looking around for something to fill the void that I won't feel guilty about. AHA!! A cucumber, that's only 50 calories, nobody ever got fat eating these right? Right?

Off to bed, feeling guilty over a stupid cucumber and still hungry, and also cucumbers taste stupid.


Day 2
The alarm goes off, and after a full night's rest I am feeling a little better, plus I have breakfast to look forward to.

Excitedly I step onto the scale and discover that, WOW! Yesterday really paid off several pounds down and I AM A CHAMPION! I can do this, I can really do it this time.

I am prepared with a lunch to take to work, all the little veggies cut up and portioned into zip-loc bags. I spend the day at my desk, proud of my new path and happily crunching on raw healthy cruciferous green (and some orange) vegetables.

The day goes off without a hitch, YAY for me!

Day 3 - 7

The week is a blur, and I am on top of the world. Every visit with the scale puts me a pound or more closer to my goal. This is easy I say to my wife. I'm actually loving the taste of raw vegetables I tell my friends. They smile, minds having moved on to other things. They have heard this all before.

I can see the vagueness in their eyes as they politley listen but it only reinforces my resolve. I WILL DO THIS I proclaim to myself in the mirror. I will just prove to them that this time is different.

My energy levels are up, I am already walking more easily.I'm not positive, but is my belt a little loose? Maybe I better take that in a notch. ouch, that's a little tight still, but I will keep it that way I might as well get used to being one notch smaller.

Day 8
I step on the scale looking forward to see just how big today's weight loss will be. Will it be three pounds like on Wednesday when you were so busy you ended up skipping lunch? Or like thursday when you only lost a half pound?

The scale creaks, the numbers flash and my brow furrows as i think, "Well that's not right."

Stepping off, then back on again I see the same number staring back at me. I do the quick calculations in my head, carry the seven and I get.... zero?!??

I manage to quickly calm myself down and soothe myself with the thought that water weight has a major effect sometimes and I did have a pretty salty meal last night.

Tomorrow will be better!

Day 9
This is not better, I gained a pound?? How is this possible? I carefully tracked every bite into my mouth. I find myself yearning ofr the good old days when I was just "not losing". this is much worse.

As I eat my lunchtime snack, my jaws ache. lousy raw veggies are hard to chew, my whole mouth is tired. Some jerk in the next cube brought his wife's leftover lasagna. I know his wife is the worst cook in the world since we do have occasional pot lucks at work, but still.... lasagna. you can't ruin cheese can you?

I briefly consider stealing a bit while he is in the bathroom, I am ashamed.

Forget it, I use my willpower to slog through the day and finally drop into bed feeling hopeless.

Day 10
Ok! This is better, a half pound. It isn't much, but it's something. I still weigh more than I did three days ago, but that's cool. I just know this is the resumption of the "normal" downward trend my weight is taking.

Day 11 - 15
I don't really want to talk about it.I hate you I hate everybody with their stupid fast food and their stupid, happy faces. Why are you reading this anyway, I never liked you in the first place. Stupid diet, stupid blog, stupid, stupid heads. My mind is not as clear as it felt on day 3.

Day 16
I draw myself to my feet from the bed and I stand tall. Today marks the beginning of a new phase n my weight loss. I will rededicate myself. I will prevail because, honestly, if that jackass jared can succedd at this surely I can too. I mean have you SEEN Richard Simmons?? I am stronger than those people and I will PROVE IT!

Day 17
1 Pound, BOOOYAH! Ok, this is good, I now weigh less than I have at any point during this diet. I am back on track, and I am going to kill this. Richard Simmons can eat my shorts! Hang on, come to think of it, I don't want Richard Simmons anywhere near my shorts.

Day 18-23
Three more pounds, it's not a lot but I'll take it.We have our anniversary this weekend and i am going to make it a free day from my diet.Why not? I've earned it and I can totally handle it.

Day 24
---

Day 25

I step on the scales to see the damage and what the holy $#@!!&*$!?? How could I possibly have gained TWELVE POUNDS?!???!

I sit down feeling a little faint and furiously review everything I put into my body.

Conclusion:The scale is a liar.

If I retained every ounce of fluid and food I consumed yesterday it still wouldn't add up to 12 pounds. I won't load you up with details, but i assure you things came out of my body.

New Conclusion:Einstein was wrong! And/or this has something to do with cold fusion. Whatever it is physics as I understood it (poorly to be clear) has been turned entirely on it's head.

I have been withholding food from myself, dealt with hunger, faintness and other cruelties for almost a month and it is effectively day 4 of the diet again. I've backtracked three full weeks from ONE. SINGLE. FREE. DAY.

Life has no meaning.

Day 26

I lost a half pound, but who cares?

Day 27
I was flat again. Also, I cheated it wasn't much but it certainly wasn't on the diet. Whatever.

Day 28 - 30

Hey have you tried that new all-you-can-eat buffet over on 13th street? They are amazing! I haven't eaten so much in my life. Diet? No, I'm sure I don't know what you mean...

Hello. My name is Geoff. And I'm an Addict.

Today is Day 9 since I last used...  Pepsi.

Otherwise known as;
CARBONATED WATER, HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, CARAMEL COLOR, SUGAR, PHOSPHORIC ACID, CAFFEINE, CITRIC ACID, NATURAL FLAVOR

The term "Love/ Hate relationship" is cliche.
So forgive me for being so cliche.
I Love Pepsi.  Not "Soda".  PEPSI...
I Hate Pepsi.  and "soda" but especially; PEPSI...

- OK Coke too - they are different but NOT that different and in many situations I will take a Coke over a Pepsi, like at McDonalds; Their Coke is probably hands down my favorite soda fountain drink. With Pepsi from the can be a close second followed by Pepsi from Taco Bell... Oh and RC Cola from Jackson's Deli in SV or the old Po' Folks restaurant where they give it to you in a Mason Jar... Sorry I digress -

*** From this point I will just say "PEPSI" and we'll know I mean; (Pepsi, Coke and even RC Cola) ***

- Let me further clarify. I can't stand "Diet" soda. If you think it's better for you. You are Delusional. If you pretend it tastes the same or just as good. You are Mental. I will not get on one of my long winded tirades just know that I would rather drink from a puddle outside of a Shopping Mall than drink "Diet" soda... -

- Last clarification.  I talk about "Pepsi" because I am NOT addicted to any other kind of "Soda". I don't like, think about or buy; Dr. Pepper, Root Beer, 7-Up, Sprite, Sierra Mist, Mountain Dew, Mr. Pibb, Orange Crush, Sam's choice, Shasta, Fresca, Jones or whatever other non-Pepsi sodas exist.  I only like "PEPSI".  If it were wiped off the planet tomorrow, I'd drink water, Gatorade and juice for the rest of my life, happily. -

I don't smoke and never have.  I don't get it.  Sure I've tried taking a puff or two at different points in my life. Each time strongly reconfirming that smoking makes no sense to me and tastes too bad too ever be worth the buzz for me... But let me be clear I don't judge or look down on those who do because on a different level I totally get it.  I really do.

I get what it's like to enjoy doing something that EVERYBODY knows is bad for you.  That EVERYBODY is so quick to tell you is bad for you. Like you are the last person on Earth to get the memo and they are the lucky one to get to bring you this new life changing information.  We know people.  Smoking and Soda are bad for us. Now go drink your Spinach, Kampuchea and Kale shake and let me enjoy my Vice in peace.

There is nothing... NOTHING, like that first pull off a brand new can of ice cold Pepsi.  As you bring it up to your mouth, there are thousands of little carbonation bubbles still rushing to the surface and popping causing little splashes that you feel gently upon your upper lip and nose.  Like a rush of angel kisses preparing and awakening your senses to the flood of awesomeness that is about to enter your world.
That first gulp;  Burns like Hell.
I don't know of its the phosphoric acid, the carbonation which is still reacting to the introduction of air or both.  But next time you take a drink of soda. Hold it on your mouth for a few seconds and see if it doesn't sting.
It will...

However, those days are behind me.  Hopefully forever.  I can't say I will never drink a Pepsi again.  But I wish I could.  I strongly wish that I could say with full confidence that I am recovered from this 30+ year addiction and I will never drink another Pepsi.
But I am not saying that.  I can't say it, yet.  Because if my friends and family knew how many times I had said it in the past.  I would be embarrassed.
I don't think I would be exaggerating or far off if I said I've sincerely quit drinking Pepsi 60 or 70 times over the last 20 years...

So yes today is ONLY day 9 since the last one I had.
Considering I have started every morning for the last year with my morning Pepsi, the same way many do with their morning cup of coffee.
I am calling this a small victory.

And whether the Paleo diet sticks or I move on to something else.  There are as many emotional and metal reason I need to stop drinking Pepsi as there are physical or health related ones...

So here's to me writing a blog on 07/07/2014 to talk bout 1 year Clean and Sober from my muse Pepsi...

GDPIII -



*I don't have a cool picture or graphic to go with this post.
So I thought I would just randomly attach a really embarrassing video from 2008...
It's the best 19 seconds you spend today - TRUST ME!
Enjoy -