Death Comes in Threes, But Not If I Can Help It!

It has been six months since my last post. Geoff and I had embarked on a mutual weight loss goal and we mutually agreed to not talk about it after stopped losing weight. Geoff was dealing with a lot of depression, more than I knew. I was too, but we had very different outlooks on our lives as evidenced by each of our last blog posts.

If you are reading this, then you probably know about Geoff's tragic departure from this world just two months later. Geoff's death sent me into a tailspin. We dropped everything and drove to Arizona to help plan the funeral. Many friends came together and mourned over the terrible loss of one of the world's brightest lights. If you knew Geoff, than you know what I am talking about.

I spent the weeks after the funeral pondering an idea, that one way to pay tribute to Geoff was by completing the journey we began. I fear this is beginning to sound maudlin; not my intent. I recognize that the kind of obesity that he, and I dealt with is debilitating emotionally as well as physically. There but for the grace of God go I.

Then just a couple of weeks ago my Dad passed away from obesity related causes. It isn't what the death certificate say, but congestive heart failure, diabetes, high blood pressure, edema is all part of Metabolic Syndrome. He had lost quite a bit of weight a few years ago (about eighty pounds) and kept most of that off, but he still weighed nearly 300 pounds at his passing.

I fear the future if I can't beat this and so I begin again. I am eating low carb as from experience even when I plateau, I experience less water retention and therefore less joint pain when I eat low carb. In addition I am trying something called intermittent fasting. I think the combination will be more effective then low carb alone.

So what is intermittent fasting? Well there are several variants but I am doing something called the 4/3 plan which is 4 days of regular (in this case low carb) eating and 3 days of "fasting". I put the fasting in quotes because you are allowed 600 calories (as a man, it's 500 for women) on your fast days. Regular days are just that, you eat what you crave. So far I have not seen an increase in eating on my regular or "feed" days, and I have adjusted well to the fast days also.

If you do the math you can see that if you typically eat 2500 calories per day (average for an adult male), then that is 17,500 calories per week. Following the 4/3 plan you eat 11800 per week or an average of 1700 calories per day which is basically a not atypical calorie count for a dieting adult male. Even if you average 3000 calories per day that is still only 13800 calories per week or a bit less than 2000 calories per day (the typically recommended amount of calories for a dieting adult male).

I typically eat 50 calories or so of a very high protein food every hour or so on my fast days, but sometimes I save up a few for dinner; like tonight. One of my favorite meals is grilled cheese with tomato soup, but as I said, I have been trying to cut carbs. Tonight I cooked 1/2 lb. of cauliflower (60 calories) till tender, tossed it to coat with 2 tsp of mayo (60 calories) added 1 oz of cheddar cheese (110 calories) and then cooked under the broiler until the cheese started to get bubbly and had it with a cup of tomato soup (110 calories). Surprisingly effective swap and it's comfort food so it's pretty satisfying. I saved almost 200 calories from the bread and cut out 1/2 the carbs.

That plus 3 oz. of Jack links jerky throughout the day rounds out my 600 calories and I am feeling pretty good. I look forward to fast days in one way, I feel GREAT the day after a fast day. Much higher energy and less physical pain/discomfort. One of the reasons I decided to try this is because of how good I feel after "Fast Sunday".

For those of you who aren't LDS fast sunday is one day each month where you fast for 24 hours typically skipping breakfast and lunch and then donating the money you would have spent as a "fast offering" that money goes to a fund in each ward which is used to help members in financial need. I am the financial clerk in our ward so I see the donations that come in and it surprised me to learn that several non-lds families in our area also do the fast. It is a very uplifting activity.

I am not afraid to change things if I get stuck or get bored. I plan to be free with switching it up, anything to keep the momentum.

Geoff, Dad, I love you with all my heart and I will miss you both, but I am going to do my bvest to keep our separation as long as I can extend it.  If you have any connections up there (yes I said "up there") feel free to lend a brother a hand.

Life Is Indeed Beautiful!

Geoff's post last evening was a reminder to me of how challenging life can become. Of course we all have ups and downs but there are stretches that give us painful insight into the trials of Job.

I have had several stressful weeks in a row, which does not make this effort (weight loss) any easier. My weight loss has already stalled despite my best efforts. On paper, I should be losing weight, but I am not and that is disheartening.

Today I got to have some time alone with my incredibly sweet daughter. Unbeknownst to me my lovely bride had recently taught her to sing, "We Are a Happy Family."

She sang it to me, then I tried to sing with her. I was pretty sure she was singing the wrong words, but I couldn't recall the right ones. We agreed Mommy would teach us both when we picked her up. When we did, Mommy gave us the following:

I love Daddy, he loves me,
He loves mommy yessiree!
She loves us and so you see.
We are a happy family.

I started singing variations on the song:

I love Sally, she loves me.
She loves Mommy yessiree!
She loves us and so you see.
We are a happy family.

Eventually this devolved to:

I love Sally, yes I do.
I love her even when she smells like poo.
She loves me and mommy too.
We are a happy family!

The silliness continued with Sally laughing and shouting out, "Sally loves Daddy, Sally loves Daddy!" Which is what she wanted me to sing. I was laughing, Sally was giggling and Mommy had a big broad smile on her sweet face. I have to tell you, I didn't feel sorry for myself in those moments, not one little bit.

Happiness is not a gift granted unto us, but it is something we each have to seek and find for ourselves. It can be shared, and while it can be stolen, the theft destroys it for everyone.

I am happy, my daughter is happy, my family is happy, Life is indeed beautiful.

Life just keeps on going...

It was April 2011.
I was sitting in my Dietitians office.  
I had just weighed in at my lowest weight in years and was down 208lbs in 6 months.
(For those keeping score at home it was aprox. 7.34 lbs a week for 28 weeks or just over 1 pound a day... It doesn't seem like that much when you break it down does it?) 

*28 weeks earlier in October of 2010. I was the biggest I had ever been. As well as dependent on pain meds (Vicodin) to get through the day and just unhealthy in every way imaginable.

(Jump back to mid April 2011...) I'm sitting in my Doctors office at Red Mountain Weightloss clinic in Scottsdale.  I had just gotten the good news about my current weight.  Things are going great....

Then my phone rings.

I would not normally take a call during a Dr's appointment but it was from a family member and something that I can't explain told me to answer the phone.

On the other end of the phone was a voice I was all to familiar with. A voice I had heard my entire life and would've or could've recognized anywhere.  But this time the voice that I knew so well, was different. It was heavy, it was scared, it was not good news...

The voice told me that someone I loved. Whom I had known my entire life.  Was in trouble.  This person was not only family but one of my best friends.  They were not hurt or dying.  They were however, sick, and had been for a long time.  The problem is no one around this person, including myself, had an idea until it was too late.  

The voice on the other end of the phone told me that my loved one had been arrested.  That the charges were serious and I was asked if I could drop what I was doing and drive several hours away to help.

It was not a question of would I do it but how could I do it.  I had a job, wife, three kids and I was pretty heavily invested in my own battle to lose weight and regain my health.  My days were regimented and full...

But yet, it never really was a question.  
I had to go.

I got off the phone. Excused myself from the Doctor's office and called my wife as I began to head for the freeway, south out of town.

For all intents and purposes I never really ever returned back to that Doctors office or to all the things I had been doing that had helped me find so much incredible success in a relatively short amount of time.

This Blog is about whatever we want it to be about.  If I felt comfortable I would surly have no reservations about going in depth on how things played out for me and my loved one over the course of the next year.

But I'm not ready for that yet.
You see... This person is alive.
But I can't see him.  
I can't talk to him.
I can't Hug him. 
I can't thank him or tell him that I love him.

I can't share my life with him and I miss him everyday.

I hate knowing that there is nothing I can do to stop the fact that some day, anyday I will get a call and have to be told he has died.  Without me being able to do any of those things one last time.

But here is the harsh reality...
I was out of town for almost 3 weeks.
I was staying at someone else's home. 
Away from my food. My personal trainer. My routine. 
Blah Blah Blah...  

I gained back almost 20lbs in that 21 days.
I stopped getting up at 4:40am.
I stopped preparing my meals the day before.
I stopped making "getting healthy" my priority because I was scared, angry and hurt.

I never really got back on track when I returned home.
I have gained back over half of that 208lbs I lost 2.5 years ago.

And guess what... That didn't fix anything.
It didn't change the harsh realities of life.
It didn't bring anyone back.
It didn't stop my inevitable Divorce.
It didn't stop job layoffs...

Life is not going to stop being a constant struggle because you decide you need everything to be "calm" and "Still" while you concentrate on being healthy.

So I guess what I'm saying is... 
Life is going to be unpredictable and hard whether you are Fat or Skinny.

But then again what do I know?
I clearly do not have very many or really any of the answers...

Don't Get Stuck in a Rut OR When It Ain't Working, Try Something Different.

So I am sick of bouncing around and making no progress on my weight loss. it has been a week since I lost one additional pound and two weeks since I lost anything significant. I can't technically say I am flatlined because the line is looking like an heart monitor.

My niece Mary decided she wanted to lose 35 pounds and she has plucked away at it 1-2 pounds a week over several weeks and as of our last conversation had lost 34 pounds. Kudos, Mary; you are awesome!

I had decided from the get go to change my plan whenever i stalled for more than two weeks on whatever I was doing. The idea is to change things up without giving up and so i switch like an unfaithful husband to the latest thing to pass my gaze.

So what is Mary's plan? I believe it falls under the category of intermittent fasting; light breakfast, normal (not outrageous) lunch, late in the day and no dinner. I can see that several of you have already opened your mouths to explain that, "No Zach, you've got it all wrong! You have to eat several small meals to keep your metabolism going."

Yeah, I've heard that, but I will just refer you to this study, http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2347114/No-micro-meals-New-study-says-eating-meals-day--opposed-small-meals--yields-weight-loss.html. Coupled with longevity research involving CRON (Calorie Restriction with Optimum Nutrition) i think it i safe to say that there are no severe risks to the plan. I figure that my worst case scenario is that I stay flat/or gain weight. What I consider my primary operating principle is that I don't quit.

Everybody has lost some weight or knows somebody who lost weight using plan "X". My personal theory is that a combination of  adherence (lifestyle suitability) + commitment equals success. I struggle with commitment whenever the scale stops being interesting. Early on it's a Jackie Chan movie and a couple of weeks in I am watching The Straight Story.

If weight loss were easy we'd all be skinny right?

I feel like I am pushing a car with no tires up a hill...

Help.

Seriously... Help is what I need.  

But NOT necessarily from you, the person reading this.  

Or from the handful of friends that I got in my Divorce.  

(Mostly because they will not read my Blog, probably ever, they get enough of the analog me to ever entertain the digital version.)

You see.  

I am sort of an extremist. 

An "All or Nothing" personality type...
When I set my mind to things, I go all out and overachieve.

But when I'm not in full commitment mode...

It's like dragging an 80lbs bag of sand through waist high mud.

***Remind me sometime I will tell you about the Radio Contest my wife entered me into that lead to me losing almost 210lbs in less than a year.  That was in 2011.  It's a long story.  So sorry I'm not getting into it tonight. *** However, less than a year and half later me and that same wife separated and I began to "Stress Eat" for lack of a better term and I put almost half of it back on... Like I said it's a long story.***

Anyway, I have truly tried to apply myself to getting healthy this month... And I have.
I was able to stop drinking PEPSI.
(for the 1,258th time in my life)

As well as get myself thinking about what I was buying, preparing and putting in my body.

I have not only stopped slowly gaining weight but I have lost weight. I am sleeping better and I feel better throughout the day.

But the thought of a diet overwhelms me. The planning and preparing. The Do's and Don'ts...

There are so many other things on my mind. I just avoid eating rather than deal with it.  Which leads to going too long without food which is not only bad for your metabolism but will cause you to make bad choices with what and where you eat...

Man, I sound whiny... You wanna know why?  because it's 8pm and I haven't eaten a thing since I had a salad at "Wendy's" today for lunch.  I'm getting that slight hunger headache and everything is annoying me.

What do you do when you don't want to do what you need to do and not doing it isn't really an option but you continue to avoid doing everything that needs to be done?  

Ugh...

Help.

Rough Week

So my weight loss has stalled since last Friday. Up and down and currently a few pounds up. I hate this part, the part where you are doing everything you are supposed to and the weight is not coming off. I am confident it isn't as bad as all of that, I am retaining a lot of water. Hopefully next week I will have better news. In the meantime I am going to stick to the plan.

I hate to even post something that is such a downer, but I am really feeling tapped today. If you missed it, I wrote a short story that I think is worth a read, about when Nigel met Agnes. Check it out!

Always Prepared

Technically it is Geoff's day to post and I hope I am not treading on his toes (ouch), but I owe you two posts and I hoped this would do it.

Wednesday was Pioneer Day locally and we had a frightening moment. One of the aerials blew out the side of the box and instead of going up went sideways and nailed Irene in her side. The shell then dropped into her lap and the secondary explosion (the blossom part) blew up in her lap.

She is fine, but she was traumatized and had some burns and abrasions, not to mention the huge bruise caused by the initial contact from the shell.

 Anyway, that was the first night I missed, and last night I was in the process of smoking 30 lbs. of pulled pork for the farewell of my cousin Julie's son and working on this short story for my new writing group. I'm never going to get the grease stains out of my keyboard.

I hope you like it, feel free to leave a comment if you are so inclined.

.........

Always Prepared

The park bench bowed beneath Nigel’s massive frame. Park goers nearby turned as the resin slats argued loudly with metal screws over who would give way. The screws won this time, but something about their cry indicated the spat was far from over.

Nigel enjoyed this park bench for many reasons, but only one that really mattered. If you asked him, he might tell you it was because of the shade provided by the spreading branches of an elderly oak tree, a truly majestic specimen and anyone could see that the oak tree did indeed provide a delightfully shaded spot when the weather was warm in the summer.

Ask him in winter and he might tell you that the brick wall along the bench’s back provided shelter from the blustery cold of a winter wind and that would be true as well. 

He could tell you, should you be interested, that the building across from the park was Weatherby’s best example of Egyptian Revival architecture. This was closer to the truth that Nigel never told anyone.

There were many such reasons Nigel had archived for why this particular bench was supremely suited for him. In truth, nobody had ever asked, although Nigel was prepared for just about anything. He had actually used the line about Egyptian Revival architecture once, though he had to manufacture a situation in which he could casually mention it. He felt it made him sound educated.

The hidden truth was something that Nigel only whispered, even in his own mind lest it leak out, was that this particular park bench gave him a perfect view of the Sinclair Insurance Agency. And through the perfectly clear glass (the cleaner came every Tuesday afternoon, precisely at 1:05 pm unless he’d eaten at the café by the highway, in which case it was 1:13 pm) was a desk, and at that desk sat Agnes Whipple.

She pronounced it in the French style, Ah-nyay. One might think she was pretentious or came from that sort of family, though neither was the case. In truth, Agnes was named for her paternal grandmother Agnes Bellecouer whom she had never met.

Nigel knew this as he knew so many things. He listened. He had in fact been a frequent visitor to the agency, always dropping off documents in person, rather than simply emailing them. He had pored over his policy in order to find questions to ask his slightly annoyed agent. Agnes was never annoyed to see him and he always prepared something interesting to share with her and something funny, when he could manage. She laughed often enough that he suspected it was due more to her generous nature than his sense of humor.

Nigel could talk, and did, when the situation called for conversation, or speaking, but he didn't like to speak unless he was prepared. Even the simplest chat was something Nigel rehearsed in his mind over and over before speaking.

"Yes, I would like fries with that." or, "Yes, I would like fries with that." or perhaps, "YES! I would like fries with that." was one such rehearsal that led to the grease spotted bag sitting next to him on the bench.

The white bag with bright yellow and red accents was hardly noticeable against the vast girth of Nigel's white, button-down, collared shirt and newly acquired ketchup and mustard stains.

Nigel reached into the bag and drew out one of the last cold and greasy potato bits, munching on it quietly as he watched Agnes read, while eating her own lunch at her desk.

Many times Nigel rehearsed a conversation for a situation that he had never encountered and likely never would. Answers to slights never offered, and verbal jabs at targets never met were a recurring theme in the constant patter of his mind.

"Perhaps I am fat, but with a schnozz like that it's a wonder you can see well enough around it to notice!" he might offer to a rude somebody with a large sneezer, or, "Come on Jake, put the gun down, everybody wants to walk out of here alive, let's find a way to work this out." he might offer to an armed man name Jake.

Nigel had rehearsed lines for virtually every conceivable situation, should it arise, and at times he wondered what he might do if he encountered a situation for which he hadn’t prepared.

 He had learned early on in his development that he was unsuited for impromptu speaking. In the 3rd grade he had run for the class treasurer, drawn by the part of the word that said treasure (he was reading The Gold Bug at the time) and the fact that nobody else was running for the office. He did not read the instructions for candidates thoroughly and missed the part that read, “… every candidate is required to give a speech...”

"But... but - nobody else is running!" he stammered out to his teacher as she led him up to the front of the auditorium.

"Didn't you read the rules for entering your name Nigel? Everyone is required to give a speech, you only have to talk for three minutes." she said calmly.

He didn't last much more than three seconds, "Vote for me....." he blurted out, "I'll do my best." he finished weakly, staring into the sea of faces. Dark, liquid fear began filling him up and when it reached his outer extremities he fled. All he remembered was the bright burst of sunshine as slammed against the crash doors at the side of the large room. That, and the laughter that buoyed him to a speed he had likely never seen before or since outside of a mechanical transport.

Sadly, the bright spot of the day was that though he was the only candidate he managed to lose, and so was able to fade into ignominious anonymity.

Now Nigel prepared for every word he uttered.

Lost in the memory of that day and working on the masterful speech he would deliver should he ever again run for class treasurer, he did not notice when Agnes left her seat. He might have noticed her exiting the building, passing between the scarab lined mini-obelisks he had commented on exactly once before, but he was reaching the crescendo of his triumphant, though silent speech.

His eyes regained their focus as the whistles and thunderous applause were fading in his manufactured memory. Movement caught his eye and he saw her coming across the grass directly towards him.

He couldn't even conjure her name. His mind was filled with the vision of her auburn hair lit afire by the bright afternoon sun. Her forest green dress with a pointed collar, gathered waist and tiny black polka dots was open to display just the barest hint of cleavage. A splash of light freckles decorated the both the bridge of her nose and décolletage. The black embroidered hem of it swirled in curlicues around her knees and occasionally kicked up enough for him to see a flash of pale skin above the knee. Nigel saw the grass part way for the pointed toe of her slingback heels and could think of nothing else, the details of every movement flooding his senses.

That same dark liquid fear began to swirl inside his core, but the time to run had passed as she covered the last fifteen yards in fifteen sharp strides.

"Hello, Nigel!" she offered brightly and with a wide smile that creased the corners of her seaglass eyes.

She waited, standing casually, but for what, Nigel could not imagine. OH! Him, it was him she was waiting for, "H-hi." he stuttered out.

"Would you mind if I sat with you?" she asked.

Nigel simply stared for a moment before again realizing that she was, in fact, speaking to him.

"Right... uhh, yes. That would be fine." he said

Agnes waited, still with a smile on her face.

Nigel jerked a little, as he realized there was not space for her to sit, and he snatched the bag containing the remains of his lunch wadding it quickly and sliding left while stuffing it under his generously proportioned bum.

Agnes stepped up, spun gracefully into a prim seated position as though she had been practicing to sit on a bench just such as this. She did not turn to look at Nigel, but just sat perched on the bench, her body leaning forward with her weight on her hands and looked out at the park.

Nigel turned his head to watch her as she sat down and jumped a little when he realized he was still staring at her profile, then quickly turning to face forward as she had.

After several moments she took a deep breath and leaned back against the bench, folding her arms beneath her breasts. She asked, "Do you know I have worked at Sinclair's for almost five years now, and I have eaten my lunch every day at my desk?"

"Really?" said Nigel honestly, because, though he knew she had been eating there for at least the last year, had no personal knowledge of the time previous to that.

"It's true." she said, "And then I looked up today and saw you sitting here, just enjoying the summer and the park and... You know come to think of it I think I saw you here a few weeks ago too. Do you come here often?" she asked turning to look at his profile.

A bead of sweat trickled down the side of his face, but Nigel feared wiping it away would only draw attention to it. His heart was beating erratically and forcefully, loud enough from him to wonder if she could hear it. He nearly jerked again as he realized he hadn't answered yet and he was still fighting down the initial adrenaline surge her arrival had precipitated.

"Yes." he offered weakly, and then quickly followed that with, "Sometimes, I mean."

"Well I can see why, this is a very nice park, I look out at it sometimes from my desk and wish I was here instead of there, do you know what I mean?" He feared, he couldn't bring enough air through his vocal chords to make sound so he just nodded weakly.

"It's funny" she said thoughtfully, "I mightn't have even noticed you if I hadn't finished my book before my lunch break was over and didn't have another one to start. I usually do that, I'm sort of a chain reader. I finish one book and put it down with one hand while picking up my next book with the other. Do you like to read" she asked.

Nigel did indeed like to read and read quite a lot. In fact it was what first drew his attention to his insurance agent's secretary. His mind had recently been flooded with new input and he seemed unable to find the traces of cogent thought amidst the spaghetti like pile of vivid images. Every detail of her approach across the park was jangling in his mind for attention. The sense of her being so close set all of his nerves on edge. He could touch her be simply leaning too far to the right or lifting his elbow.

"Salt!" he exclaimed.

"Salt?" she asked.

The field of freckles peppered across the bridge of her nose wrinkled quizzically. When no new information appeared to be forthcoming she added, "Salt?"

He stared at her wondering if her eyes had always been that same luminescent shade of sea glass... "Salt!" he exclaimed again. "I mean, that is, Salt is the name of a book I read recently." he said faintly.

"Salt." she said, sounding both more and less perplexed.

"Yes" he said, "You see, it's about how salt shaped world history and...." he trailed off, ”It, uh" he started again, "Well, salt is a really important resource and wars were fought over it and innovations in science were rooted in finding more of it and... well it's more interesting than I am making it sound."

"Salt." she said again this time as though rolling a new flavor around in her mouth tasting it for the first time and wondering if she liked it." Ok, I get it. That does sound sort of interesting. I hadn't thought much about salt beyond putting it on cucumbers."

The mention of such healthy fare made Nigel uncomfortably aware of the greasy wad of paper and mashed, congealed potato beneath his ample thigh.

She faced forward then and said, "Mine was a novel. It was a mystery, but yours sounds much more ... Educational. I should read more books like that, but I admit, I'm addicted to novels." her voice rising at the end.

Nigel had in fact read Salt, but in truth he read a dozen novels for every non-fiction book he read, but he was afraid saying so would make him sound like he was just saying it for her. He said nothing instead.

The silence passed between them as they both stared forward at the best example of Egyptian Revival architecture Weatherby had to offer.

"You know" she said, "I bet if I were sitting at my desk you could see me from right here in the afternoon, when the sun wasn't reflecting off the windows."

He said nothing for a moment and then, "Probably."

Suddenly she stood up and spun to face him, "It was nice chatting with you. Maybe I'll see you here again sometime?" she said with her hands behind her back.

Nigel just nodded still not trusting his voice enough for long sentences, "Maybe."

Agnes brought her hand up in a slight wave and then headed back across the grass. He watched the hem of her skirt sway gracefully back and forth with the swing of her hips and memorized the bounce of her coppery hair.

Nigel sat for several moments processing the events of the previous ten minutes. The slats and screws sniped weakly at one another in relief as he heaved his corpulent form aloft.

As he wandered back to his day it occurred to him that he’d have to find a new place to eat his lunch and he began formulating what he might say if he had a chance to talk to a woman who might be interested in a fellow like him.